Awful Writing On Demand

So I'm sitting here in my half-empty apartment (we're in the process of moving to a bigger place in our building, and we basically just have a bed and a TV left down here), and since there's nothing on TV and I'm on my own tonight, I flip over to Free Movies On Demand. "Oh, cool, I'll see what's on FEARnet," I say. "Hey, The Descent is on here - that was a pretty badass flick!" And then.

I'm pretty sure this was written by one of the 13-year-old kids who were sitting next to me in the theater when I first saw this movie (one of the many and varied charms of UA Court Street Stadium 12). Six very hot girls decide to go explore an old cave. There is a certain beauty in its simplicity, I guess.

So I'm intrigued. Is this some kind of fluke that slipped by the higher-ups or or are they really hiring children to do their copywriting? Next stop, Escape From New York.

I like to think that was, word-for-word, what John Carpenter said to the studio execs at the pitch meeting. (That and "It has to star Ernest Borgnine and Isaac Hayes.") It's the future!

I've never heard of Night of the Creeps - let's see what the FEARnet brain trust has to say about it.

This is a lot like one of those 80's teen flicks, it's got a cryogenically frozen zombie. Either someone forgot a but or I was watching all the wrong John Hughes movies. Unless...Jake Ryan?!?

Finally, we have 2005's Tamara, a story of teen cruelty and vengeance from beyond the grave.

Hey, do you think that last line is supposed to be a pun? Oh wait, there's a second page here....