30 is the new lazy.

Spinning: Neko Case, The Tigers Have Spoken.

With my birthday about three weeks away, I figure it’s time to set aside my sloth (it’s only my fifth-favorite deadly sin anyway) and update this incredible burden site with a list of a few things I feel I will require to properly celebrate this momentous occasion. If you are in a position to make any of this happen, I strongly urge you to do so.

I want the bastards at Fox to pull an end-around and renew Arrested Development for at least another three seasons; I also want everyone involved in the production of Stacked to accidentally shoot themselves in the face.

I want NYC to smell like breakfast foods more often. And if this turns out to have been some sort of terrorist chemical-weapons plot, I would like to inform our peaceful and in-no-way-backward-or-bat-shit-insane Muslim brethren that I would happily bleed to death from the inside while basking in the aroma of vinegar-soaked hot wings. If I have a choice, I mean.

I want David Spade to finally do the honorable thing and trade places with Phil Hartman.

I want Sarah Silverman to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

I want Robin Williams to join the cast of Stacked. And Kenny G is welcome to compose the new theme song.

I want to see a 30-minute infomercial for this stuff.

I want to end my five-year quest to find the perfect T-shirt for my “Tom Waits Is My President” iron-on.

I want to be cleared of any obligations, work or otherwise, for the month of June 2006. During this time, I would like to be: 1.) In Germany, drinking beer and getting fat and watching the World Cup, or 2.) On my couch, drinking beer and getting fat and watching the World Cup. I also want England and the U.S. to meet in the final, where Michael Owen will score nine goals to propel England to an 11-3 win. (I'm all for American soccer growing in international stature, but we'd be such unbearable pricks if we won. Ooh, we suddenly care about soccer! No.)

Okay, that’s enough for now. Maybe I’ll think of some more later. In the meantime, you can prove you really love me and buy me all this shit.