Great Moments in Parenting: Watchmen Edition

Transient

So we went to see Watchmen yesterday at the legendarily awful UA Court Street Stadium 12. This theater tends to draw particularly dickish moviegoers - the guy who uses his bright-ass cell phone as a flashlight to look for seats after the movie has started, the couple who rolls their infant in for R-rated horror movies, etc. But yesterday? Yesterday was a new low. One family had brought their son, who was maybe 10 or 11 years old, to the very, very R-rated film. At first I figured the kid had nagged his parents to take him to this "superhero movie." But no. Here's a sampling of the experience:

[On screen, a woman being beaten viciously by a man, who then shoves her over the side of a pool table and attempts to rape her.]

Kid: "Why do you have to pick movies like this? Can we go home?"
Parents: "Shut up!"

[A guy's arms are cut off with a radial saw. The camera doesn't flinch; bits of gore shoot all over the place.]

Kid: "Why are you making me watch this?"
Parents: "Sssshhhhhh! People are trying to watch the movie!"

[A man kills another man by repeated slamming his head with the business end of a meat cleaver.]

Kid: "Pleeease can we go home? I don't like this!"
Parents: "Shut your mouth!"

I hope that this kid keeps his head on straight, gets good grades, and gets a full ride to a college far away from these people. Also, I hope he reads the Watchmen comic someday, because that movie was pants.

Awful Writing On Demand

So I'm sitting here in my half-empty apartment (we're in the process of moving to a bigger place in our building, and we basically just have a bed and a TV left down here), and since there's nothing on TV and I'm on my own tonight, I flip over to Free Movies On Demand. "Oh, cool, I'll see what's on FEARnet," I say. "Hey, The Descent is on here - that was a pretty badass flick!" And then.

I'm pretty sure this was written by one of the 13-year-old kids who were sitting next to me in the theater when I first saw this movie (one of the many and varied charms of UA Court Street Stadium 12). Six very hot girls decide to go explore an old cave. There is a certain beauty in its simplicity, I guess.

So I'm intrigued. Is this some kind of fluke that slipped by the higher-ups or or are they really hiring children to do their copywriting? Next stop, Escape From New York.

I like to think that was, word-for-word, what John Carpenter said to the studio execs at the pitch meeting. (That and "It has to star Ernest Borgnine and Isaac Hayes.") It's the future!

I've never heard of Night of the Creeps - let's see what the FEARnet brain trust has to say about it.

This is a lot like one of those 80's teen flicks, it's got a cryogenically frozen zombie. Either someone forgot a but or I was watching all the wrong John Hughes movies. Unless...Jake Ryan?!?

Finally, we have 2005's Tamara, a story of teen cruelty and vengeance from beyond the grave.

Hey, do you think that last line is supposed to be a pun? Oh wait, there's a second page here....

FUCK YES IT'S A PUN.

But Seriously, Franklyn?

First? This trailer is AWESOME. The set and character design alone will probably get me through the theater door (well, that and the chance to watch Eva Green as she Helena Bonham Carters the hell out of the place). Second? Maybe I'm just missing something, but Franklyn isn't exactly the first name I'd choose for my indie time-hopping noir superhero fantasy thriller thing. Spelling aside, there is only one Franklin.